"No Longer Can Police Discriminate Against Suspicious-Looking People"
The suspicious-looking breath collective sigh of relief
Conducting activities expected to be much easier, for the shifty
From The Archives:
Al-Qaeda Drops Andersen
In related news, the nation's highest court also ruled in favor of Washington D.C. vs. Washington State, agreeing with the capitol's assertion that Washington State's name is in violation of newly established trademark rules.
In a settlement, the former Washington State -- along with Oregon, California, Arizona, New Mexico and Oklahoma -- agreed to change its name to "Texas."
First Photo of Donald Rumsfeld & Saddam
National Security Archive)
* not satire
Wallet found at bottom of "Spider Hole" -- Baghdad library card, witty yet scary repartee with California governor confirms identity
Return of Democracy, Free Markets and Rule of Law "imminent" Rumsfeld promises the American People in leaked memo
Drooping Dollar Delights
The economist sitting next to me points out that a weak dollar makes US exports more attractive (cheaper) to foreign markets!
Let's review the TOP 3 exports and their foreign markets (it's interesting, go with it):
On the organic farm with...
"Genetic manipulation -- it's just wrong"
Bush Speaks on California Recall Election:
"I suggest they narrow it down to a single party, as we've done with the executive and legislative branches there in Washington. "
Bush issues swift response from ranch -- "Bomb Iraq!"
ATM Machines: Criminals Target Banking's "Weak Link!"
NY Times reported Sunday (Aug. 3) That an Albanian- Yugoslavian illegally retained $3.5 million by manipulating NYC ATMs. He was quickly imprisoned.
However, it is feared that other criminals might target "Banking's weak link" again: Could this outrageous plot force consumers to question the way we bank?
In unrelated news, another $300 million fine was paid last week by America's two largest banks, Citi and J.P. Morgan Chase, for a line of services provided to Enron, which subsequently lost $40 billion in investor money through improper activities (see "Bankrupt Thinking", by Floyd Norris). Banking leaders are "pleased that the public can again trust banks."
Signalling Approval, Bush Gives "Starter Cache" of Weapons of Mass Destruction to Newly Appointed Iraqi Government
"'Welcome!' says US Prez" in WMD Country reception/ fireworks display, held outside Los Alamos
CIA, FBI Once Again Denied Admission to International Association of Professional Intelligence Gatherers
Spy chiefs blame a "single error" for this year's denial to the 143-nation club -- knowing about terrorist plans to fly airplanes into the WTC and letting it slide.
CIA Chief: "We will definitely apply again next year, after all this hooha"
Sweeping Reforms Announced By New York Times
Designed to address factors behind accusations of corporate wrongdoings at The Times, Publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. announced the paper would be dropping its long-time accounting firm, Andersen, and also appointing an ombudsman, to fortify its self-regulation process.
These dramatic acts come in response to increasingly shriller calls by critics for separation between The Time's auditing business (reporting) of U.S. and foreign government activities and their more prestigious government consulting practice.
THE NY TIMES Claims to have published articles that are biased, badly-reported, stolen from other newspapers, or just plain false!
- The Onion
Office of Market Management warns business reporters:
"...A one-day rise in stocks is to be refered to as The "New Bull Market."
A three week plunge is heretofore referenced only as "investors take profits."
Another Black Eye for the New York Times:
The New York Times' recent 140,000 word article demonstrating the false and shoddy reporting by one of its own, ex-reporter Jayson Blair, was discovered to have been copied from the Internet.
(For details see Sunday's New York Times, in article by The Times' newest diversity program intern, Ms. Jaysona Blair.)
Hong Kong-Based Airliner Cathay Pacific's New Marketing Slogan:
"Forget about SARS -- hey, more people die each year flying!"
Work for Slathered
Ask us about our competitive severance packages!
Association of Newspaper Business Editors states official position on false reporting: "Our position is to permit only objective, primary-source reporting, i.e. copying from that day's Wall Street Journal and/or New York Times. When deeper reporting is required, it is our practice to interview a Journal or NYT reporter. The Associated Press can provide a second source, and for the "alternate," or opposite voice, we rely on the BBC."
China Nears Perfection
1. Spitting Banned.
2. Eating Monkeys Banned
3. Citizenry demands, gets, truth from press
4. Cheap great stuff they make gets even cheaper
5. Hong Kong expats help locals
Workingmen to Arms!
WorldWide Socialists. Introducing... "Loyalty Day."
Pentagon "Shocked" by Iraqi Fighting Tactics
"Shock and awe" was officially registered by dismayed U.S. generals, who are now demanding economic sanctions against the Iraqi regime for making mockery of established International Shock-Awe Standards. These generals warn that by continuing this strategy, the Iraqi regime "places itself in grave danger" -- diplomatic code for armed action, or even armed conflict.
Iraqis Celebrate Following Bush Freedom Speech
Residents of Baghdad -- who comprise the dot found in the U.S. military's bulls-eye -- felt renewed and hopeful last night following the historical speech by President George Bush, in which he promised the Iraqi people he would "rid the nation of its terrorist leader."
The mood was celebratory at the Al-Qaza tea shop...
U.S. GOVERNMENT SAID TO POSSESS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Accusers point to direct evidence of program dating back to 1945
Bush on Shuttle Explosion:
Bush To Free Alaska
"Too long have Alaska's Oil Patches of Democracy been ruled by Wildlife's nefarious 'Axis of Wilderness,' said President Bush Saturday.
NY Times Glad Transit Strike Averted
Screw this place
"Finally, we can return to our tradition of tallying Middle East killings," proclaim relieved New York Times editors
NJ passes law requiring "child-proofed" handguns
Child Criminal Rights Groups shocked, outraged
#37 in a series
U.S. State Department Evacuation Alert
In response to as-yet unsolved attacks on New York, Postal System and NPR's award-seeking series "47 Ways America is Fat and Bad," the U.S. State Department has called for Code Red evacuation.
* * Planes Sent * *
1. Make their Fries...
at your house!
2. Lose 30 pounds...
without diet or excercise!
3. "ValueMeal -- 30 percent more growth Hormones"